An Ocean of Colour

The sun scorched brightly, bringing out the colours of the ocean and its surroundings at its most vibrant hues. Even with the various gradients of shades around me, everything just looked black and white.

But there was one person that brought a faint glimpse of colour. His name was Kaito.

I first met the boy in my freshman year at UCLA. He sat close to me in most of my courses.

“I always seem to bump into you,” The boy said with a smile that barely curved upwards. “My name is Kaito. Nice to meet you.”

His voice was naturally soft, which complimented his thin physique. He was not much taller than me either, as I did not have to raise my head upwards to look at him in the eye.

“Serena.” I responded. “Nice to meet you, Kaito.”

Kaito radiated an energy that was unlike any other. We first limited our conversations in class. Then we began studying together at the library, and eventually, started hanging out outside of campus.

As time passed by, I felt different. Every time he would sit next to me, my heart felt as if it were about to explode. Whenever he walked into a room, or just waved hello, I felt a million butterflies in my stomach.

That was frightening, and I did not know why.

It was when we went together to an art exhibition at the end of freshman year that I knew.

“Look.” Kaito pointed at a painting that spanned across the entire wall. It was a stormy sea painted with such intricate detail under the surreal effect of the moonlight.

I gasped in horror. Memories flooded my mind as I stared at the painting. My senses began to fade.

 “Serena?” Kaito’s face was dangerously close to mine. His eyes were staring directly at me, flashing with concern.

He put both hands at the sides of my head and brushed his thumb across my forehead. “You’re sweating.”

I was panting, my eyes were welling up with tears.

“Calm down.” He whispered and pressed his forehead against mine, circling the sides of my head with both his thumbs. “It’s okay.”

I did not respond to Kaito’s calls nor text messages after that day, and locked myself in my dorm.

Kaito overwhelmed me with so much vibrancy and dullness mixed together. And that reminded me of a time that I did not want to relive.

He was like the ocean. He was peaceful and safe.

“My parents were very fond of the oceans.” He had told me. “They travelled a lot together by sea after they got married. They wanted to pass on that memory in me.”

He wrote his name in kanji on his notebook.

“Kai stands for ocean.” He tapped on the first kanji. “To means to cross. Combining them together means to cross the ocean. It’s perfect, isn’t it?”

He was like the ocean. He was stormy and terrifying.

Just like how it was when it took my parents away.

There was a booming knock on the door.

“Serena?” Even with his loud pounding, his voice was as soothing as ever.

He knocked again. “Serena, I know you’re in there. I’m worried for you.”

There was a long silence before he spoke again.

“Serena, I don’t know what’s going on. But I miss you. Can you talk to me, please?”

I opened my mouth and was about to respond, but decided against it.

“I love you.” Despite the usual softness in his voice, those three words hit me hard in the chest.

I jolted up from my bed.

He loved me?

Every single cell in my body told me to move. To tell him that I loved him back.

I just had to open the door.

But in the end, I was a coward. Not opening the door was something I would regret for a very long time.

Two days passed, and Kaito never returned. But I gathered enough strength to go back to class, because I knew that I had to give Kaito an answer.

Would he be mad at me for having not talked to him in a while? Did he regret telling me his true feelings?

Despite my anxiety, I was prepared. I kept repeating my response in my head to make sure that I would not leave a single feeling unexplained.

I walked to the lecture theatre, hoping to find Kaito in our usual seats, but he was not there.

“Serena!” My heart stopped. For a split second, I thought that the voice was Kaito’s, even though the voice clearly belonged to a girl.

“Laila.” I frowned, disappointed that Kaito was not the first person I talked to that day.

“Where have you been?” Laila’s face was stained with tears, and her hair was flying all over the place. “I’ve been calling you for days!”

“I turned off my phone.” I scrambled through my purse, realizing that I have not turned it back on.

“Kaito passed away.”

I instantly shot her a look. She gulped and pursed her lips.

I laughed halfheartedly and scanned the room. Everyone looked nonchalant. “Is this a prank? Did Kaito tell you to do this?”

“It’s not a joke.” She took out her phone, and showed me all of her calls that I have missed in the past few days.

I stared at her phone. There were fifteen missed calls in the past two days.

I looked back at her, furious this time. “This isn’t funny.”

“I wouldn’t make a joke like this!” She started sobbing.

“Why didn’t you look for me?” I yelled. “You could have looked for me!”

Everyone must have been staring at us, but I did not care. I bolted out of the theatre without another word. I frantically pressed the power button on my phone. As soon as it turned on, message notifications blasted on my lock screen.

Where are you? Laila messaged.

Kaito got into an accident!

Seven missed calls.

Answer the phone!

Another seven missed calls.

Her latest message was sent this morning.

Serena, please answer.

Her final missed call was two hours ago.

I fell to my knees and started sobbing, uncaring of the crowd of students that walked past me.

He died, and I was not there for him.

He died without knowing that I loved him too.

It has now been a year since Kaito’s death. And here I was, standing on warm, soft sand, overlooking the ocean waves.

I trembled as I approached where the ocean met the sand. My heart leapt in fear every time the waves touched my feet.

I closed my eyes and breathed to the rhythm of the waves. I stood still until I got used to the water on my feet, coming in and coming out.

“I don’t know if I can forgive you,” I said, opening my eyes. I stared at the horizon where the ocean met the sky.

“I’ve been alone for ten years after you took my parents away.”

I forced myself to stay strong, regardless of the tears streaming down my face.

“I hate you for that. I fear you for that. But that hate, that fear, left no room for love.”

I took a deep breath. “Kaito’s dead. But this time, I can only blame myself. I was so hung up with the past that I did not see that he was what I have been missing all my life.”

Memories of Kaito and I flashed through my mind, which almost made me break down.

“So I’m here.” I paused. “I need to stop being angry for the losses that I have had. I can’t keep blaming someone or something. Otherwise, this keeps repeating.”

I wiped away the tears from my cheeks. “I need to stop being afraid of anyone that reminds me of you, especially of the good parts!”

“Kaito,” I always felt a pang on my chest whenever I said his name. “reminded me of the good parts. The parts where I felt safe and calm whenever I was here with Mom and Dad. And I was scared of that.

“I need to forgive you, so that I can start forgiving myself for the time that I’ve wasted over feeling alone, when there has always been someone who loved me.”

Finally, I sobbed. I sobbed and screamed at the top of my lungs, hoping to release every ounce of pain that I have bottled inside of my body.

Then I stopped. Everything went silent. I stepped away from the waves and walked back further up the shore, picking up my bag that I left on the sand.

I put it on and was ready to leave. I took one more glance at the body of water behind me before walking on my way back. Back to the person who I used to be. Back into becoming someone who knew how to love.

And maybe someday, I will begin to paint my world in colour again.

*Photo by Joel Vodell on Unsplash