Growing Pains

So my birthday just passed and hit the double two! Growing by age is easy, it's a given, and to be honest, I wasn't really celebrating the idea of having an additional year to my age.

I turned 22 all alone sipping on some nice cocktails at a resort in Phuket. But as I was sitting on the beach, enjoying the sea breeze and warm sun, I wasn't celebrating growing by age, but instead, I was celebrating more so the growth of my character. How I had to shed so many versions of myself in the past year in order to be the version of myself that I am today. This type of growth - the growth of character and self-compassion - is never given. It is always a choice, and actively picking that is far from easy. And that is why I find that worth celebrating.

I guess many things happened within the year that caused me to grow. In many ways, it was quite chaotic, and an emotional rollercoaster, and I honestly have to thank my friends for constantly listening to my epiphanies and stresses and worries. And this is the first new thing I learnt.

It is an honor to have people listen and support you, but it is not a requirement. Before coming to Singapore and living alone, my coping mechanism was usually to seek out friends instantly to help soothe my overthinking and anxieties. But things change when you're not around them as much. Your friends have their own lives, their own issues, and their own boundaries. We cannot claim their time nor energy to support us, but when they choose to provide us with that time and energy, it is something we should be grateful and remain considerate about it. I am grateful for the support system I built for myself where my friends and I are comfortable with setting boundaries, yet always encourage each other to grow and heal without judgment. It's rare to come across these types of people.

Eventually, when you live alone, things change. You're away from your friends and family, and inevitably, you have to learn how to become more independent. I always thought that I was somebody who was independent. I was comfortable dealing with my own projects or work alone, and I enjoyed pursuing my own passions and interests by myself. I mean, hell, I went to Phuket alone for the adventure of it. But I think independence is a broader topic. And although I am independent in a way where I enjoy my own company and find solace in myself, I realize the co-dependency I have in making my own decisions. I overthink too much and do not trust my own intuition, and hence, try to seek that from others, thinking that they can make better decisions than me.

So after living alone, here's another thing I learnt. I learnt to become more psychologically independent. I found healthier coping mechanisms and understood my triggers that cause me to hyperfixate on issues and that fuel my perfectionism. That involves being more open to failure and supporting my own decisions. I'm learning that not everything will go in the way I predict, and to be less stressed about it, I have to be more open to receiving whatever comes my way and deal with it accordingly. Generally, I'm starting to be more comfortable with the idea of spontaneity and uncertainty. And in becoming more comfortable with that, I'm starting to become more confident with decisions I make for myself.

Building that confidence helps me build my self-compassion at the same time. And because of that, I've also become more validating with my feelings, and how could I protect myself from people or an environment that induces stress. And that's how I learnt my most important lesson, which is setting boundaries. I always struggled with setting boundaries with people because of my people-pleasing habits where I was afraid of disappointing others. But at the end of the day, protecting my peace has to be put first over the short-term disappointment you give other people. Boundaries help you identify who values and respects you, and who doesn't. And that's when I realized boundaries don't block you from other people, but it allows you to receive better love and kindness. They actually allow you to give and receive access to the best parts of yourself and other people. And in setting these boundaries, I was able to identify how to let go of attachments that I have out of anxiety and fear rather than love. It has been liberating and freeing ever since I discovered this on my own.

All of these lessons were not learnt overnight. It took a year (or more) of trial and error. Of hurt, loneliness and pain. And it's especially sad sometimes when learning these lessons inevitably make you grow, and potentially outgrow others that you care about. It sometimes is very lonely knowing that your path is diverging from people you cherish, whether it be due to differing values or circumstances. In fact, I do have moments where I get angry as to why I can't just be stagnant like many other people and stay comfortable with staying where I am. But there's always a gut feeling in me that tells me that my growth hasn't ended yet and that I have so much potential in adding more value and compassion to my life. In a way, it's a form of grief. Grief of the old version of yourself and the way things were. And it is okay to grieve about the past and what you lost. But in loss, there is something new that you create space for. It creates new beginnings for you to be excited about.

I know these short-term growing pains will help me for the better in the long run. In fact, it's helping me now. It's helped me let go of past pain and old trauma, and embrace the version of who I was, who I am now and who I will be. Growth is liberating, it is healing and it is kind. Time is our ally, and the universe is on our side in building the versions of ourselves that we want to be, and the lives we want to create for ourselves.

So happy birthday to me I guess ^^ Here's to more growth and I am so excited to see how I will thrive this year!