Empathy in Our Generation

WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY!!! (sorry, I just had to use that line) that lacks empathy for the people around us.

Growing up, this kind of society is an environment that I normalized. We don't even want to understand why somebody is upset. Immediately, our reactions will be like "they're too sensitive" or "they should just toughen up" or "cheer up! There's other people going through worse".

Did any of those resonate with you? I can't count how many times I've heard those phrases - or slight alterations of those phrases - growing up. I'll probably need extra fingers. And extra toes.

Anyways, how does this link to a lack of empathy? By saying these types of phrases, we're ultimately invalidating somebody's feelings. We're responding to a person based on how they we think they should feel versus how they are actually feeling. Why is that?

In our society, where competition and productivity is the norm, we subconsciously believe that logic and rationality is key to being productive, while emotions are a barrier to that. We are made to believe that logic and emotions are mutually exclusive. How many times did you also hear people say that our heart is stupid? That we should "listen to your brain!"?

First of all, we're not robots. Emotions are the fuel of our humanity. It's what guides us to make decisions in our personal lives. It's what creates our value system. It's what helps us form meaningful human connections.

And you can argue with me and say that rationality has helped optimize the outcomes in our society. If we ran purely with emotions, we'll probably be living in disorder and chaos. Which is true. But purely running with rationality serves its own set of problems. In particular, there would be no diversity in thought. We would just be a bunch of robots, all having the same solution to a problem.

But I also personally believe that there's a misunderstanding when it comes to our systems today. I see our systems to some extent running on emotion. If we were purely rational, we would have come up with more optimal solutions to human welfare today. Are our systems really rational? When we look at governments and how they make decisions, is it really rational, optimizing the welfare of society and its citizens? Or do they also make decisions based off of fear? Of greed and hoard of power? Is that all rational?

Even people in power run on emotions, particularly fear. Fear of losing their wealth and position. Of tainting their reputation. Of angering those who have even more power than they do. But ego plays a role into this as well. And be reminded that ego is an emotion as well. Ego can be a dangerous blockage to empathy, and we can act selfishly if this overrides our decision-making. Ego inhibits our ability to be self-aware, to admit mistakes and take accountability. I mean, people even struggle to apologize these days, which is the bare minimum of accountability.

And look at the divide anyway when it comes to social issues all over the world. Clearly, society is not fully rational, otherwise we would just be a bunch of robots choosing the same path to reach the same answer.

We can't rush our feelings either. For some reason, we always put a deadline on our emotions. We keep beating ourselves if we're feel any sort of negative emotion for too long. We desperately claw to the idea that we have to feel good at all times. Why? Because it improves our productivity? Because we don't want to be a burden to other people? There's a lot of excuses we give to ourselves to continuously invalidate our emotions, but doing so makes us engage in self-destructive behaviour. We can still continue to function and make action plans that encourage our growth even during these emotional times. But even if we can't, why is that bad? Why can't we slow down and feel our emotions, and just start small in self-improvement? The race against time and this need to be productive is just a social construct. Yes, I am also guilty to this, and feel this way at certain times. But that's why I want to try and unlearn this type of emotional conditioning.

It's why I really appreciate the rise on efforts towards mental health awareness initiatives. This is especially lacking in Hong Kong, and honestly Asia, compared to Western countries. Which makes sense. If you look back in history, societies in Asia were focused on survival and stability. People didn't really have the time to think about mental health or generational trauma or all that jazz compared to us now, where we have more freedom and we have the privilege to be sensitive.

But at the same time, a lot of toxicities and false messages can come along with that in social media. Like toxic positivity. And the romanticism of mental health illnesses. The capitalization of all of these further creates the divide between being empathetic and inauthentic.

All of this lack of empathy and ingenuity to ourselves will translate to all our interpersonal relationships: our friends, family and partners. And there is nobody to blame for this. We all have been conditioned to act this way, as if we have to survive. Survive from what? We are not living in an environment from many generations ago where we literally have to kill each other or go hunt in the wilderness to survive. We do have more privilege to understand our emotions, be self-aware, and break any cycles of all generational trauma. Granted, it is not easy. It will not be, because as soon as you are self-aware on one thing, then BOOM. You have another problem to discover. That's the never-ending journey of growth.

But that's why I hope we get to have an open conversation moving forward. That we listen to people with open minds and no judgment when they do talk to us about what is bothering them, rather than shut it down in an instant. Sometimes, we won't understand what they're going through. Maybe we never will. But what's important is that we listen and learn, and we give them the floor to air out their frustrations. Sometimes, that's all people need. They don't need to have advice on how to get better. Or be told that they should feel a certain way. People are smart, you know? They just need time to create their perspective on whatever situation they're going through. And they are independent enough to take action based on their gut and do what it is they have to do after they are able to let out their emotions. That goes with ourselves too. Let's start listening to what our emotions tell us and learn to embrace them.