Finding My Worth and Fulfillment While Overcoming Trauma: My Way

Okay, I suppose this is a very, very different post from what I'm used to writing. For starters, I'm talking about something more personal and sensitive to me. I'd like to think of myself as an open book, but I think this is the first entry where it's difficult for me to even type it and admit it out loud. But as always, I like to stay positive and be grateful for what I've achieved so far, and for the loved ones around me. This post isn't an advice article, but it's more like a diary entry. A peek in how I deal with certain emotions in my life. But hopefully, my experience can help others one way or another. At the very least, this blog has just been a therapeutic way for me to deal with emotions that are hard to navigate if not put down into words.

So this is how I am currently finding my worth and fulfillment. First off, I say 'currently', because who knows how I'll change eventually? Perhaps I'll find a new way tomorrow or a few years from now that will be better and healthier for me. And secondly, I say fulfillment, not happiness. I do not really believe in the search for happiness. Happiness is an emotion we experience often, sometimes more so than others. Granted, we should learn how to find happiness in today and at the present moment always. But at the same time, it's a temporary state, and we will have our bad days, so it's unrealistic to think that once we "find" it, it will be there forever. So I like to phrase it as fulfillment instead. It's about having a purpose and understanding why we do what it is we do. Now that, to me, is a constant, because you have a motive that makes you want to go about your day in a certain way. It doesn't have to be something grand, really, a purpose can just be simply to appreciate your surroundings every day. As for me, mine is to stay empowered while empowering the people around me.

With that being said, what has my experience been like? Boy, it's a funky one, all right. Over the past few years, I have engaged more in the practice of self-love and prioritizing myself. Ironically, it can be pretty difficult. Self-love is a choice you have to make for yourself every day. But although it's difficult, it is absolutely rewarding and liberating. When you feel free to be unapologetically yourself, it becomes easier to look forward to the next day and beyond.

It took a while for me to understand that the habits and behaviour I used to engage in was not self love. And that stems from my past traumatic experiences. My trauma stems a lot from the people and environment I've surrounded myself with in the past and the treatment I enabled myself to receive. It comes from friendships, relationships, and even family. When I am praised by one, I am criticized harshly by another on the same thing. I was constantly pressured to do things I did not want to do. And whether I stood my ground or not, I was criticized by people in different ways. It all boiled down to people's expectations of me, and they acted like a push and pull in a tug of war. There were many different expectations from them regarding what I should be like and what they expect to get out of me. When so many people's expectations of you are different and misalign, it becomes a very toxic environment to stay in. But it especially is toxic if your purpose is to meet all of those expectations rather than expectations you make of yourself.

My purpose at the time was to reach other people's expectations of myself, rather than my own. It took rounds of self-loathing and finally a slap to the face (metaphorically, of course) by the people I love for me to pull myself together and to actively make the decision to prioritize myself. Because we are worth more than what we can give to other people. We deserve to take care of ourselves. As I said, making this decision could be tough. It includes cutting off the toxicities in your life. This can be cutting off other people, but even more challenging, this can be cutting off the habits and toxic mindset you instill on yourself.

Cutting off people who do not hold you in the same respect and mistreat you is hard. At least for me. One of my "flaws" is that I try too hard to please people, especially those I highly care about. But I came to realize that sometimes, the people you care about don't view you the same way, or at the same level. That's not a bad thing at all, since this is a very common situation. But this sometimes leads to situations where we get hurt by the actions that they commit, because we don't really think twice about how the other person could feel. This doesn't create a bad guy good guy situation, but feeling disrespected by their actions is also valid, and it is okay to set boundaries for yourself. More importantly, those boundaries should be respected. And we must keep in mind that there is a difference between getting out of your comfort zone and having your boundaries challenged. The decision to stay within it or go out has to be up to you, not from the pressure of other people. In this case, there are some boundaries that I do not want people to step across. If I am constantly being mistreated and pressured to get out of those boundaries, I have to let these people go. To me, when that happens, it feels quite sad and honestly, I need some time to grieve. After all, they have played big parts in my life. And it's okay to grieve over that, even if those relationships weren't healthy. We shouldn't try to stop how we feel, but we should at least actively try to make decisions that protect ourselves and our mental health.

So that's what I've been doing. Every day, I consciously make a decision that I know will take care of myself and my wellbeing. When that happens, you receive the energy you give off. I realized this because ever since I've been doing that, I've gotten better in learning who are the people I want in my life that share mutual love and respect for each other. Prioritizing yourself does not mean neglecting others, but learning to appreciate and love them is also a form of self care!

Your relationships with the people around you is a reflection of your growth and treatment to yourself, and that's how I like to evaluate myself. So as I learnt to appreciate them, I started to root for myself and my goals. I became more focused. But other than that, I also learnt how to take a break when needed. I can better recognize when I start to feel anxious and toxic to myself and other people, because I choose to actively make the decision to use my trauma as a lesson to be better and to be vulnerable in a healthy manner with the people around me, and together, we get to be there for each other. There are so many people around us that are there for us, and where we can share our love with. And believe me, there is always someone there who does root for you.

So you progress and progress, constantly improving yourself and doing what's best for you. But then BAM. Unfortunately, you come across a situation that triggers you, and memories tied in with painful emotions come back. And it's overwhelming. You feel like you're out of control. When times like this happen to me, I feel disappointed in myself. I think to myself, I've moved past it. I'm a better person now and I know my worth. I've removed the toxicities I found in my life. So why is my mind still tied to this trauma? I become afraid of falling back to toxic habits that harm myself. That in the end, I haven't actually gotten better. And I won't be no matter how hard I try.

I've come to realize that removing the toxicities from your life does not remove the trauma entirely. Although you have moved on consciously, your subconscious may react otherwise. When something triggers you, your mental state becomes confusing. In my case, it feels like my mindset from the past and my mindset now collide with each other, like the angel and devil on your shoulder. It's overwhelming, and I become sensitive over the smallest things, and emotionally drained.

But finding your worth and fulfillment is not a linear process. It's more like a roller coaster. There's no end to it, because we are ever changing according to our circumstances. So sometimes, even if we are at an all-time high, we will also have times where we will have doubts and criticize ourselves. But having these hiccups doesn't mean that we are going backwards or 'devolving'. It's just a part of our growth, and there's always something new to learn from it.

The most important lesson I've learnt though is that: you can live your best life while still having triggers. I used to think that these were mutually exclusive. When I get triggered by a reminder of the past, I immediately criticized myself, thinking, I've moved on, why on earth am I still affected by this? Am I just lying to myself, that I'm actually not happy? That I will never be?

Despite these thoughts, I tried to engage in self-care habits again. Talking with friends and writing helps me a lot in navigating and verbalizing my thoughts. After doing a lot of that over the past few weeks, I learnt that happiness is temporary. But so is sadness and pain. I, just like everybody else, will have bad days. But that doesn't mean that I'm unfulfilled. Because the one thing that is permanent and unconditional is the love and fulfillment you allow yourself to receive and to give to others. Although I still have trauma to recover from, at my very core, I have a purpose that drives me to live my best life. If I continue to have that purpose and don't lose sight of that, I think that's the ultimate act of self-love and fulfillment. So I say this again: you can be triggered, but still feel fulfilled and value yourself. Those triggers are only a remnant of the past. But if you are actively making the decision to put yourself and your well-being first in the present, then I'd say you're conquering life!

At the end, no matter how many friends and loved ones you have that support you, you are still the leader of your own choices. The people around you can only do so much before you decide to love yourself. Once you do that, no one can take away the empowerment that you feel. And no one can stop you from giving that to others as well.