Reflecting Back

It was just a normal day. I was sitting in for my class as usual, then right after, I went to meet a friend that I made in one of my classes this semester. She was talking about how her second year of university was like, and I shared my own experiences. Towards the end, she asked me "So what were your four years in HKUST like?"

I answered it like I normally do. "Oh, it was great, but also pretty stressful."

The next day, I went to my friend's graduation photo-taking. As I did, I watched final-year students gather around the main campus, taking pictures with their graduation gowns, balloons and flowers, all excited to mark this milestone under the sun that was beginning to set.

I simply observed it, and I recalled what my friend asked me the other day. And that's when it started to sink in.

What on earth (no pun intended) did I do in four years?

It all happened so fast. Not so long ago, I had just entered university and met the freshmen who entered with me. Now, I'm here, and the freshmen I met four years ago are now seniors like me, getting ready to work and start this new independent life.

I started spiraling, thinking, did I even do anything productive with my time at HKUST other than do my courses? Sure, I joined societies and competitions, but did I do anything that I considered worthwhile? Were my only vivid memories of HKUST my exchange and my final year?

I personally consider myself to be in a happier place. At least in comparison to my first two years in HKUST. I feel like I've been more productive, more positive, and dare I say, a little more ambitious. In all honesty, if I saw my younger self now, the younger me of two years ago, they would have been two different people. At least, people with different outlooks in life.

And I'm thinking what the heck did I do to get here? Did I waste my earlier years just standing by doing nothing? What did I do to grow into this person that I am? I found this to be an important question for myself, because I want to know how I started and what I went through in my past, so I can keep those lessons of growth for the present and the future I strive to follow.

So I started looking back to my first year of university. That was when I just started adjusting to the changes after getting freshly out of high school. I remember actively trying to make new friends, joining events and taking part in student societies to figure out what I was interested in, and on the bright side, I did develop a lot of skills that I still use now. But I also remember being extremely negative. I thought this place was bigger than me, it's too much to take in and to comprehend. I couldn't find anywhere to belong or fit in. There was nobody I can connect to a deeper level and have that solid friendship with. The change frightened me, because ultimately, I didn't know what I was doing or what I wanted to achieve. At the time, I always thought of myself as someone who was ambitious, someone who was passionate about something. But being in university, I realized that I didn't know what I was ambitious or passionate about. All I knew was that I was desperately channeling that energy everywhere and anywhere in the hopes of feeling productive and finding that spark. It's what I look back on and feel was toxic productivity to some extent.

My second year was not any better. I felt that my environment became more stressful and more toxic. Again, I told myself that things will get better, that I will make things better. I will continue to be productive, but in the end, it was just another act of desperation. I did whatever I can to keep busy, hoping that I will find something that I'm passionate about. Perhaps it was because I thought everybody around me already figured themselves out and knew what they were doing. I look at some of my peers thriving in school, getting good grades and getting a good job or even making their own startup. Although this could have been a motivation for me to better, I also wasn't surrounded with many people that validated my feelings nor understood where I was coming from. Feeling lonely is also what made me feel sub par to everybody else. The hyper-competitive culture that was bred in HKUST got to me and I became a person who constantly compared myself to others and felt bad if I did not meet my own expectations. I forgot a lot about myself and the goals I strived towards.

When I got into my third year, everything changed when I went on exchange. I know it's quite cliché to say "exchange changed my life", but it truly did for me. My outlook on life made a whole 180. Maybe it was because I was able to have a fresh start in a different country. Nobody knew me so I can figure out what kind of person I am without the expectations on my shoulders. There was no competition, no stress, no constraints. I used that opportunity to figure out what it is I wanted to be. I spoke with as many people as I can. I talked with professors, students, entrepreneurs, and people I met through my volunteering. Slowly, but surely, I started to understand a little bit more about myself, especially after making this blog. I became more confident and found my sense of belonging in learning about other people. In the end, I'm not some genius that can come up with million dollar ideas. I'm a storyteller, and advocate for what I'm passionate about. And I try to come up with ways to strive for that change in any way I can.

So in my fourth year, when I made the Women in Business Society, it was a culmination of everything I was passionate about. It was about helping people find a sense of belonging, having that safe space to take care of your mental health, and also finding out what you're passionate about. By giving them the resources, I hoped that they can be the best version of themselves. And I think creating this society and having met all types of amazing women has motivated me to keep going beyond this, especially after I graduate. Empowering communities is what I want to do and pursuing that path of social entrepreneurship is what will make me feel at most myself. And the people I now surround myself with, especially those who stuck with me for the past four years, have been incredibly supportive and we empower each other to keep going.

At least, that's what I've learnt in the past four years. After having been at your lowest, there's nowhere else you can go but upwards. There are still times even now where I slip up and fall into that negative mindset, but after having gone through all of this, I know how important it is to take a step back, breathe and look at the bigger picture of things. Everyone has a different pace in understanding themselves and pursuing the life they want to make. So I'll continue to keep that in mind as I start my new chapter beyond university life and start working. There's a lot of new opportunities that are coming our way!

So here's to many more highs and lows to come. Whatever happens, there is always an experience of growth that will come out of it.