Stuck in 2020

You know how we all thought that 2020 was going to be "our year"? The year we promised to ourselves that we would go for the goals we always thought of but never actually started trying to do.

Then COVID came, and, well, the rest is history. A lot of trips were cancelled, job hunting is pretty hard, and your social life got a little bit harder to rejuvenate. Even though we stayed at home in one place, our mind was riding this roller coaster of emotions, and it just became exhausting.

And now, we're in 2021. More than an entire year has passed already since COVID became a public health issue. Yet, I can't remember much of what I actually did in a year. Everything is so muddled and blurry. It felt so mundane to the point that it doesn't feel like 2021 even began, because there was never really a fulfilling ending.

In my case, my mind was stuck in one place. Not just because of COVID, but because of being diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. For more than half of the year, I was limited to quite a handful of things. I wasn't able to push my body too hard because I would easily faint from heart palpitations and excessive sweating. I also lost a lot of weight, which made me overall pretty weak. That made me feel more isolated than I've ever been, because of my inability to progress with my growth and challenges I set myself for the year, whether that be physically, professionally or personally.

Staying at home though made me reflect on that. Is there really no growth without actively reaching for a goal? I wasn't surrounded with the healthiest environment in the world, so for a while, I thought the answer to the question was no, there isn't. But towards the end of the year, I was brought back to a familiar, positive circle of friends and family. They made me rethink everything on how I perceived growth and purpose.

We are always growing, even if we aren't aware of it. Even if we don't make active changes that can be easily seen through your eyes, there are changes in how you perceive the world and in the way you think. And what I've learnt, at least, is that it's okay to take a break from constantly trying to "achieve" something. There's already something special in the ordinary, whether that just be staying at home or hanging out with friends, because there's always something to learn through that.

So with that in mind, I was able to pick up my old hobbies again, things I haven't touched in quite a while (such as this blog!). It was therapeutic to me, and just made me feel like time is moving on quickly, but not blurrily. I felt more positive and realized that this kind of pace in life is needed, where we have to take a step back so we don't fall too deep into toxic behaviour that can be detrimental to ourselves.

That's what I plan to do this year. The situation with COVID hasn't really changed, and it's uncertain as to when things will go back to the old normal. For now, I'll be taking my time in the fast-paced city that we live in to figure out what it is that makes me fulfilled, and what kind of new goals I can make for myself under these uncertain circumstances.