What is Asexuality? An Interview with Michelle Lin

Before I came to the United States, I already heard about the term asexuality. I heard about this concept from peers, but unknowingly had a lot of misconceptions about the term. Myself included. We all seemed to think that asexuality just simply meant that you are not interested nor attracted to anyone.

So when I arrived at Berkeley and saw the huge advocacy of the LGBTQ+ community, I was surprised that aces (asexuals) were included, as I thought it was not really a sexual orientation. And I was honestly confused as to why it was so. But people tend to hate things that they do not understand, and I did not want to spread any unnecessary judgment or hate to this community. That was why I was motivated to try and understand the concept of asexuality a bit more.

I had the opportunity to interview Michelle Lin, who was one of my orientation leaders in my first week at UC Berkeley, and she is honestly one of the kindest and most passionate individuals I have ever met! We held an interview to discuss more about asexuality and what it actually is.

1. What is asexuality? And what does it mean to you?

The definition of an asexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction. People take this definition and make so many misconceptions. But for me, personally, I have never experienced sexual attraction in my life. And that's surprising to most people. And I'm sure, because to me, I understand what it feels like to not understand my sexuality, because I never understood people who do experience sexual attraction.

2. When did you find out about this term and associated with it?

I found out about this term when I was eighteen, which is very late. Generally, people who are queer, especially the more well-known ones, such as gays or lesbians, they have their own self-realization when they are around ten to twelve years old. But for asexuals in general, the average age of self-realization is nineteen, so you spend your entire time of teenage years not knowing where to go, not knowing who to talk to, am I alone in my feelings. So for me, that was pretty late.

3. What's the difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction?

Sexual attraction is when you see someone or a feature of someone, and you find an interest, and it leads to your desire to engage in sexual activity. It's different from sex drive. Sex drive is a biological or physical feeling to have sexual pleasure or sexual satisfaction. The two are often conflicted. Aces can have a high sex drive. I compare it to when you're hungry, but there's nothing you want to eat. And it's not because the food is bad, it's just that you don't like it. And sometimes, you may see something and want to eat it, and that's because you saw it, but before you saw it, you didn't think of eating it. So that could be an analogy to sexual attraction. For us, it's like we never feel that way.

For me, I could be romantically attracted to people. And that means I want to form a stronger, deeper and more emotional connection with them. Kind of like the opposite of friends with benefits. So I can be romantically attracted to someone, but it just doesn't relate to sex.

4. What made you become so passionate about advocating for asexuality?

We grew up in a society, especially here, where everything is hyper-sexualized. It's hard to comprehend not knowing that feeling [of not being sexually attracted], and I really hated myself for it. I disliked the label and the fact that it came with a lot of assumptions. But then I found BTS and they helped me a lot. They helped a lot of people with something. I found a lot of friends through them too. They taught me that you're valid and deserving just like everybody else. Because of that, I could be proud of myself and not give in to the misconceptions of asexuality that people have. I could change that. BTS tells you to speak yourself, that was their UN speech. So that made me become more outspoken about asexuality since June after pride.

5. Why do you think asexuality is excluded from the queer community?

The queer community has had a long history of excluding people from it. In some parts of the community, bisexuals, pansexuals, and also transgender people are not seen as 'gay' enough by lesbians or gay people. Part of this is because of 'straight-passing'. And it's hard to understand asexuality, since it's a fundamentally different experience from most people. So they don't try to understand it, and have the assumption that asexuals are heterosexuals that are pretending to be such. They overlook that asexuals can have other queer identities, and it's like we have to prove ourselves to be "queer enough".

6. What resources are available for asexuals to understand more about their identity?

One is called Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), That is the biggest platform for asexuals, and the one that I found first. It's a forum which has resources where they have definitions, and diversity of asexual experiences.

There's also the Asexual Outreach. This was the organization that created Ace Week as a concept. Both of these resources are very helpful for those unsure of asexuality and for those who want to support it.

There's also a local organization here called Asexual SF, which is a connecting point for aces to feel less alone. A lot of the community is online, because it's hard to get people to talk about this, because you could explain it for hours and hours, and people may still not understand it.

7. Was there any difficulties when coming out to your family members and peers?

I'm extremely lucky that my parents are very open to learning. My parents immigrated from China, and often, these types of families have a very traditional and conservative upbringing. But my parents have always been open to learning about Western values and acceptance. They have made homophobic comments in the past, but once I told them about it, they see why it's not okay to say that and are open to changing. So they were always supportive of it, and just want me to be happy. For my close friends, they have always been very supportive, especially in California, people are open to a lot of things. Most of the time, it's just misunderstandings and just harmless curiosity.

But the group of friends that helped me a lot is here in Berkeley, which I call the Army Bears. They poured a lot of their love on me, which is overwhelming. They go out of their way to help me table at the booth. Because of that support group, I was able to talk about this issue more.

8. What are the main misconceptions of asexuality?

So I got asked today if I could never be emotionally connected to anyone? Having a connection with someone goes beyond sex, and everyone knows that. But for some reason, if people find out that I'm asexual, people assume that I can't feel that way anymore. This is a very common misconception. They would ask other similar questions, like "Would you date?" or "Do you like people?" And yes, I do want to be emotionally connected with someone and very deeply.

There are different types of attraction models, like sensual, physical or aesthetic attraction, which are not sexual. For instance, aesthetic attraction is knowing whether someone is attractive. And you could admire that. So I can identify when someone is "sexy" because of society's definition of it. But it's not necessarily an innate feeling, where I look at someone and feel as if I would want to engage in sexual activity. For example, you could admire a piece of art and find it beautiful, and that's it. You don't want to necessarily interact with it. And I think that goes for everyone. You can find someone attractive, but you don't have to go and date every single attractive person that you see.

Another misconception is that aces hate sex, like sex is our kryptonite. Many aces are not comfortable with sexual content at all. But there are also aces who do enjoy it. For example, consuming porn is not the same as being sexually attracted to someone. Another analogy could be that you could enjoy action movies, but you wouldn't jump off a building like they did there. You just enjoy watching it for other reasons. So, society puts a lot of emphasis that sex is the only form of intimacy, but when I reflect on it, I don't actually want that. But this does not mean abstinence. Abstinence is a choice, whereas sexuality is not.

9. Are there any difficulties dating someone who does not identify themselves as asexual?

Yes, there are. For me, as a woman, I believe that a lot of men believe that all women are capable of surrendering their bodies. So when they find out that I am asexual, they could become insecure if they find out that I will never be able to be sexually attracted to them, which could hurt their pride. And it could make them feel as if they are not sexually attractive.

A lot of people want sexual compatibility in their relationships. And no one's to blame for that. And I believe for aces, it's really hard when you can connect with a person on every level except one. You may be the perfect partners for each other, but you're just not sexually attracted to them. Asexuality is also a spectrum, so there are rare times where you could be sexually attracted to someone. But it's just much less. For me, I can say that I will never be sexually attracted to anyone, which can make people feel insecure, and want that part of the relationship to be active. It's just people wanting different things. So compatibility could be much harder.

10. What is the meaning behind the colors of the asexual flag?

Black, white and grey are what people generally see as the spectrum. So that goes from asexual, where you don't find anyone sexually attractive, to allosexual, who are people that are not asexual. And people can move around this spectrum, but people can still identify it themselves as ace. Being ace is not one thing at all, it's an umbrella term where people experience things differently. It's to indicate that it's not a yes or no, but a gradient. The purple is for solidarity between our identities and other identities.

11. What advice would you give to other people who identify themselves as asexual or who are still confused about their identity?

You're not alone. That's the biggest thing. And it's the biggest thing that I struggled with, where I felt alone with my experiences. I tried to ask my friends in the past whether they could relate to my experiences and they just laughed it off. It was difficult to accurately describe it. It's hard to put words to it, but communities have put words to it that you could borrow and learn from. So you really aren't alone, even though it feels that way. Don't hesitate to reach out. I have another community online called Ace Armies. And they're people from all over the world. We have this big group chat, and I didn't know that finding a community would be really helpful for me. It's a concept that people don't realize is possible. They believe that there are no other asexuals out there, and I'm alone. That's how I felt, until you meet the same people and you realize that it could change your life if you have people to talk to about it.

When you take the initiative to ask someone about something that you do not understand, your mind really does open up and welcomes a new perspective for yourself to reflect on. It teaches you that the world has its own complexities in the most beautiful way. It teaches you that everyone has their own unique definitions, perspectives, and personalities, which challenges you to think more about the mysteries of everything around you. Michelle has taught me that there is much more depth and complexity in sexuality and it's important to always take a step in understanding each other. If we do that, then hopefully one day, people could become kinder and more accepting of the differences that make the world so interesting.

For people who are interested in learning more about asexuality, make sure to follow @michellelinman on Instagram and @hobis_pouch on Twitter! Send her some love and support for advocating for her identity and her rights!